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Truth and Lies
Being lied to doesn’t just upset parents. Most of us would say that honesty is one of our most important values, so when our children tell stories parents often hear alarm bells warning that their little angel is turning into a sociopath. In all parenting issues it‘s helpful if we can stop and think about our own feelings before we worry about the behaviour that’s worrying us. After all, we can choose how we react to every situation, and how we choose to react will affect the outcome.
Why does it upset us so much when our children don’t tell the truth?
When we feel angry or upset it is often because our needs aren’t being met or our values and beliefs are being trampled. Sometimes both.
When I’m confronted by the evidence of a small boy with a shorn head, a pair of scissors in one hand and a hunk of hair in the other saying, “I didn’t cut it,” I might feel angry that I’m being treated like an idiot, and worried that he could have hurt himself.
When my daughter says she is staying at a friend’s house and I discover she was at an all-night party, I might feel angry that my trust has been abused, and worried about what might happen to her.
Why do our children tell lies?
For the same reasons that most of us do - because they are worried about what will happen if they tell us truth. Which is perfectly sensible. How we react will affect how our children behave. If we scream and shout or punish, or say “I’m so disappointed in you...” when we are told the truth, we are teaching our children that honesty is definitely not the best policy.
How should we react?
We don’t have to let them ‘get away’ with everything - but showing them that telling the truth won’t make things worse and could make them better is a good place to start.
Taking a deep breath and reacting to the unplanned haircut by saying ‘That’s an interesting look - perhaps we should just even it up a bit this side,’ while making a mental note to keep the sharp scissors out of reach is likely to be much more helpful than getting angry.
Acknowledging all the fears we may have about our teenager going to an all night party - alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex, safety, street crime - and making sure she has all the information she needs to look after herself and keep herself safe, is much more helpful than simply grounding her (though you might want to do that too.)
Sometimes when young children tell stories (a much better word than lies) they are simply putting a fantasy into words.
“My dad is an astronaut,”
“I’ve got a pet lion at home,”
“My secret friend Zeppo, who you can’t see, cut my hair.”
Making up stories is a sign of a wonderful imagination and acknowledging your child’s fantasy, and joining in, is much more fun than simply denying it.
‘You’re so lucky, would your dad take us all to the moon in his rocket one day?”
‘So does your lion eat cornflakes or toast for breakfast?”
“Would your friend Zeppo like some pasta too?
What example are we setting our children?
Many of us would say that we believe honesty is essential in all things but what kind of example do we set our children when it comes to telling the truth? How many times do they hear us bending the truth for convenience or an easy life? Has your child never heard you say...
“The meter’s not working.”
“The cheque’s in the post.”
“Sorry, I can’t talk now, I’m in a meeting.”
‘I was only being honest’ can used to justify some very nasty remarks.
We often tell lies to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.
“I wear that lovely jumper you knitted for me all the time.”
“That turnip soup was was delicious.”
Would you be happy if your child told an elderly relative ‘I’ve already got that book’ or‘ I’m not going to kiss you because you smell funny.” ?
(William's Truthful Christmas from the book Still William by Richmal Crompton is a wonderful story about the dangers of honesty.)
As they get older children and teenagers can discover that sometimes telling a lie is not just convenient or polite but the only possible moral response. After all, if Anne Frank and her family were hiding in your attic when the Gestapo knocked on the door would you tell the truth?
So perhaps expecting our children to be completely honest all the time is not just unrealistic, it is undesirable. Next month many parents, who normally pride themselves on their honesty will encourage their innocent children to leave out mince pies and sherry for an old man who creeps into their bedrooms while they are asleep. Why do parents continue peddling this whopping lie to their children? Perhaps because secretly we would all like to believe in Santa Claus.
In next month’s newsletter... Happier Holidays.
(November Newsletter)
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