Newsletter Archive

“My child tells lies.”
The whole truth and nothing but the truth?
November Newsletter

Being lied to doesn’t just upset parents. Most of us would say that honesty is one of our most important values, so when our children tell stories parents often hear alarm bells warning that their little angel is turning into a sociopath. In all parenting issues it‘s helpful if we can stop and think about our own feelings before we worry about the behaviour that’s worrying us. After all, we can choose how we react to every situation, and how we choose to react will affect the outcome.

Why does it upset us so much when our children don’t tell the truth?
When we feel angry or upset it is often because our needs aren’t being met or our values and beliefs are being trampled. Sometimes both.
When I’m confronted by the evidence of a small boy with a shorn head, a pair of scissors in one hand and a hunk of hair in the other saying, “I didn’t cut it,” I might feel angry that I’m being treated like an idiot, and worried that he could have hurt himself.
When my daughter says she is staying at a friend’s house and I discover she was at an all-night party, I might feel angry that my trust has been abused, and worried about what might happen to her.

Why do our children tell lies?
For the same reasons that most of us do - because they are worried about what will happen if they tell us truth. Which is perfectly sensible. How we react will affect how our children behave. If we scream and shout or punish, or say “I’m so disappointed in you...” when we are told the truth, we are teaching our children that honesty is definitely not the best policy.

How should we react?
We don’t have to let them ‘get away’ with everything - but showing them that telling the truth won’t make things worse and could make them better is a good place to start.
Taking a deep breath and reacting to the unplanned haircut by saying ‘That’s an interesting look - perhaps we should just even it up a bit this side,’ while making a mental note to keep the sharp scissors out of reach is likely to be much more helpful than getting angry.

Acknowledging all the fears we may have about our teenager going to an all night party - alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex, safety, street crime - and making sure she has all the information she needs to look after herself and keep herself safe, is much more helpful than simply grounding her (though you might want to do that too.)

Sometimes when young children tell stories (a much better word than lies) they are simply putting a fantasy into words.
“My dad is an astronaut,”
“I’ve got a pet lion at home,”
“My secret friend Zeppo, who you can’t see, cut my hair.”
Making up stories is a sign of a wonderful imagination and acknowledging your child’s fantasy, and joining in, is much more fun than simply denying it.
‘You’re so lucky, would your dad take us all to the moon in his rocket one day?”
‘So does your lion eat cornflakes or toast for breakfast?”
“Would your friend Zeppo like some pasta too?

What example are we setting our children?
Many of us would say that we believe honesty is essential in all things but what kind of example do we set our children when it comes to telling the truth? How many times do they hear us bending the truth for convenience or an easy life? Has your child never heard you say...
“The meter’s not working.”
“The cheque’s in the post.”
“Sorry, I can’t talk now, I’m in a meeting.”

‘I was only being honest’ can used to justify some very nasty remarks.
We often tell lies to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.
“I wear that lovely jumper you knitted for me all the time.”
“That turnip soup was was delicious.”
Would you be happy if your child told an elderly relative ‘I’ve already got that book’ or‘ I’m not going to kiss you because you smell funny.” ?
(William's Truthful Christmas from the book Still William by Richmal Crompton is a wonderful story about the dangers of honesty.)

As they get older children and teenagers can discover that sometimes telling a lie is not just convenient or polite but the only possible moral response. After all, if Anne Frank and her family were hiding in your attic when the Gestapo knocked on the door would you tell the truth?

So perhaps expecting our children to be completely honest all the time is not just unrealistic, it is undesirable. Next month many parents, who normally pride themselves on their honesty will encourage their innocent children to leave out mince pies and sherry for an old man who creeps into their bedrooms while they are asleep. Why do parents continue peddling this whopping lie to their children? Perhaps because secretly we would all like to believe in Santa Claus.

In next month’s newsletter... Happier Holidays.
 

Communication not confrontation
October Newsletter

In the last couple of weeks it seems as if every news item and article has been about financial meltdown. Where does all the predictions of economic gloom leave parents and their children?

If we are worried about mortgage repayments, falling house prices and even the possibility of losing our job, of course it will affect our children. But then everything we feel impacts on our children.

When we find ourselves in a stressful situation with our children - or any one else for that matter - it is helpful to ACT rather than just react.

ACT stands for:
Adult: How do I feel? What do I need?
Child:How does my child feel? What do they need?
Tools:What tools can I use in this situation?

So before you vent your irritation at your children think about yourself.
Ask yourself ‘How am I feeling?” What do I need?”
Often, especially in stressful times, our anger or irritation doesn’t have much to do with our child - it’s more likely to be caused a missed bus, an enormous phone bill, gridlock traffic or a row with your boss. By acknowledging our own feelings and thinking about what we need we can change the situation to make it better instead of worse.

The best tool for this is an ‘I’ message.
An ‘I’ message is a clear, honest way of talking about our feelings and asking for what we need. It’s effective because it doesn’t make other people feel bad - so they are far more likely to hear what is being said. It’s a great model to teach children - if they hear it often enough they will start to use it themselves.

To use an ‘I’ message:
Say how you feel, describe the situation, ask for what you need.

So ...

“Stop bugging me!”
becomes...

“I feel really fed up. I’ve had a terrible day at work and I missed the bus. I’d like five minutes in the shower/ a cup of tea/ something to eat/ and then I’ll read you a story.”

Sounds easy? That’s because it is. Try it and let me know how you get on.

_________________________________________________________

End of Summertime Blues
September Newsletter

I’ve always hated the way that shops start advertising school uniforms and pencil sets before the summer holidays have barely begun. There’s something bittersweet about going back to school after the summer, the return of the drudgery of the weekday routine after those long (wet) summer days, when anything seemed possible.

Autumn can be a good time to make fresh starts, a time for turning over a new leaf just as the trees are preparing to lose theirs. For me it’s a time for signing up to new evening classes, putting things in order, making lists. New books, new class, new teacher, new school even...

We all start the new term with great resolutions about how we are going to organise things better. No more trying to learn spellings, while burning toast sets the smoke alarm screeching. Lunch boxes will be packed the night before, clothes neatly ironed and laid out ready for the morning, PE kits washed, tables learned, homework done. But a few days in and the new resolutions are in tatters. Sound familiar?

In my parenting groups, mornings always come up as one of the most stressful times of the day for parents. It’s easy to see why: getting children dressed, fed and out of the house on time with all the requisite homework, PE kit and swimming things, at a time of day when many of us aren’t at our best, (to put it mildly) is always going to be a challenge.

If the thought of the resumption of morning mayhem is getting you down here are a few ideas for taking the belligerence out of breakfast-time.

Practical tips

Wake children and teenagers up with a positive statement that doesn’t require a reply, rather than a question that might elicit a grumpy response (or worse).:
So… “Good Morning!” or ‘Breakfast’s ready”
Not… “Are your up yet?” 

If television and computers are distracting your children in the mornings try not turning them on until everyone is washed, dressed and has had breakfast.

Accept that different people have different appetites. A banana or a croissant or a yogurt is just as good as a bowl of cereal.

Give your children small responsibilities and encourage their independence:

Get your children to make their own reminders for what they need to take to school with them (if they can’t write it could be a picture) and stick them on the inside of the front door.

Put up a clock where everyone can see it and teach your children how to use it. Even quite a small child can understand, “When the big hand is here, we have to go.”

Let your children learn the consequences of their actions in small, safe ways – such as getting told off when they are late for school. (You might want to tell the school in advance what you are doing and why.)

Don’t waste your energy on small battles. It’s really not the end of the world if your child goes to school in their pyjamas or they puts their shoes on in the car or doesn’t brush their hair. Save your energy for making sure the important things happen - like wearing car seat belts and holding hands when you are crossing the road.

Self- Coaching Technique

Think of what happens in the mornings in your house.
Imagine what you would you like to happen in the mornings.
What’s stopping it happening? What needs to happen for the change to take place? (Putting your children up for adoption is not an option here!)
What are the stress points?
What could you do about them? Write down your options. Is that all? Are you sure? What else could you do? What else?
So what will you do? When will you do it?
Now it’s up to you…

Good luck.
Let me know how you get on.

_________________________________________________________

Why the odd bit of boredom is good for children - it encourages problem-solving and independence.

August Newsletter

The long summer holidays are here and the papers and magazines are full of ideas for ways to entertain your children.

At this time of year at least one newspaper comes up with an article about a woman (it’s always mothers I’m afraid) who has planned her children’s holidays with all the dedication of a communist leader working on the finer details of his country’s 5-year plan. There will be a photo of her, felt-tip in hand , smugly displaying her whiteboard, which is crammed with details of play-dates, courses, workshops, improving trips to museums and (if they are lucky) the occasional theme park. Her children will be next to her smiling or sulking depending whether they are five or fifteen.

But Isn’t a summer holiday that is completely crammed with activity rather missing the point? One of the joys of the long summer holiday is the release from the terrible grind of school days - it’s monday so it must be history, PE and maths. I well remember the joy of waking up knowing there were weeks ahead with nothing to do. Summer holidays are made for lazing around and, dare one say it, getting bored. Boredom is a great springboard for finding something interesting to do - whether it’s making mud pies, climbing a tree, dressing the cat as a bridesmaid, inventing an imaginary country with its own language,

 or making a camp under the kitchen table. Every moment filled with improving activities is a moment lost to dreaming and imagination. I have to plead guilty here to having co-founded and edited a magazine that was dedicated to telling parents about things to do with their children. In my professional capacity as a journalist I once dragged my poor 5-year-old half way across the city to a workshop. We stuck felt eyes onto a sock to create a puppet. It probably cost ten quid, involved several hours transport and, to add insult to injury, you had to bring your own sock. We’d have had more fun and a lot less stress staying and home and washing the car.

It seems that as parents nowadays we feel obliged to fill our children’s every waking moment because if we don’t we will be regaled with complaints of “I’m bored.” So we reel off drop-down menus of ‘Why don’t you...” instead of allowing them to find their own solutions. Whenever we do this we are undermining our children’s resourcefulness and ability to solve problems for themselves. Learning to say, “I’m sure you’ll find something interesting to do” is a great tool for a parent. And if that doesn’t work?

Next time your child whines about being bored, instead of trying to entertain them by booking them into another ceramic painting workshop, (how many more splodgy plates do you really need?) simply delegate a few simple items off your own overcrowded To Do list.

Put the dvds into the right cases, water the flowerpots, sort the laundry, put out the recycling, comb the dog, clean the bath, make your bed, decide which old toys you want to give to charity. It doesn’t matter if they don’t do it as well as you would - that’s not the point - it’s giving them a little responsibility which is great for their sense of self-esteem. Older children can planning activities - give them a budget and let them research which theme park they want to go to and how to get there. They will be learning something and next time they are bored they will find something to do themselves rather than whining about it.

I hope you all have a great summer.

_________________________________________________________