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Inappropriate Behaviour:
Why saying ‘inappropriate’ is ‘unacceptable’ for parents.
Recently a report was published on the way in which some words fall out of use, while others frequently change their meaning.
If I could choose two words to remove from the English language, at least in the context of parents and children, they would be ‘inappropriate’
and ‘unacceptable’ .
e.g.
‘Your behaviour is completely unacceptable.”
‘Your language inappropriate.’
There is something so mealy-mouthed about these words - just try saying them out loud - it’s impossible to do it without going all tight-lipped.
But it’s not the way they sound that means these words have no place in a dialogue between a parent and a child, it’s because they are so unhelpful.
They simply don’t tell our children anything about how we would like them to behave or why.
When we say ‘it is not acceptable/appropriate’ we put up a great road block to communication by invoking some universal idea of appropriateness or acceptability that doesn’t even necessarily exist.
The obvious response from a stroppy toddler or teenage is ‘Sez who?’
When my son was little I didn’t mind him bouncing on sofas and tobogganing down the stairs on a tray but scribbling in books and trampling on CDs were simply not allowed. It was ‘unacceptable’ to me because of the beliefs I hold about the value of music and literature. It’s not right or wrong it’s simply the way I feel and demonstrates something about my personal values that might be completely different to yours.
Most of us agree on the big issues - killing, stealing and raping is wrong - treating other people as we would like to be treated is a good thing, but there are lots of other things on which we simply have to agree to disagree. I love watching The Wire and drinking wine, you like going to football matches and eating pies, your toddler enjoys watching Sponge Bob and drinking juice, while my teenager prefers playing Grand Theft Auto and drinking Red Bull. What is acceptable and appropriate for all of us is very different.
Recently I talked to friends, both mothers of 17-year-old girls, about their plans for the summer. One was frantic because her daughter wanted to go camping with friends, the other was hoping her daughter would get tickets for a music festival in Spain so her parents could have a weekend away together. Both competent, caring , concerned parents but their ideas of what is acceptable and appropriate for 17-year -old girls couldn’t be more different.
The great power of chucking out the ‘in’ and ‘un’ words is that we have to think about why something is unacceptable or inappropriate. It makes us actually consider what we care about and value, and how we pass those beliefs onto our children (who may choose to accept them or not). Instead of hiding behind these words we have to face our own concerns and feelings and needs.
If you feel the need to use ‘inappropriate’ or ‘unacceptable’ to your child think about what it is that actually bothers you and then take responsibility for what you are really feeling, what you need and what you would like to happen.
So instead of ‘Your language is inappropriate,’
try saying...
‘I feel embarrassed when you swear in public because people will think I’m a bad mother/ you are an ignorant yob.
I’d like you to stop swearing/keep your voice down/ only swear in the house/ find other ways of expressing yourself/learn to curse in another language so no-one can understand...’
It won’t always work but at least you are demonstrating emotional honesty to your children instead of hiding behind big words.
‘Inappropriate’ and ‘unacceptable’ seem to have replaced “I’m very disappointed,” as parents’ and teachers’ guilt-inducing catch-all response to anything that children do which they don’t much like.
Which brings me to my favourite joke:
What did the inflatable teacher in the inflatable school say to the inflatable child with a drawing pin?
“You’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down, you’ve let the whole school down.”
If you would like a free, introductory 20-minute telephone or skype session call me on 07971 573 523 or email me at dorothy.boswell.@blueyonder.co.uk
Dorothy Boswell
March 2009
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