|
Dealing with Anger
I’m often contacted by parents who are shocked to discover that they are behaving in exactly the way that their parents did. They lose control and hear themselves screaming, shouting and saying horrible, hurtful things to their children that can never be unsaid. They hear their children screaming, shouting and saying horrible, hurtful things back. They realise that they are perpetuating something that they always promised they would never repeat when they had children of their own.
There’s nothing wrong with anger, it’s a feeling, and like all feelings it isn’t right or wrong. In fact feeling angry can be a great catalyst for change - the end of slavery and apartheid, votes for women, trade unions, the French Revolution - all came out of anger at injustice. Anger tells us a basic need isn’t being met. We need to identify what the need is and take action. It’s the action you choose to take that makes the difference.
In the English language we have a wonderful variety of words to choose from to describe the exact degree of what we are feeling. Do you feel ‘a bit upset,’ ‘rather annoyed,’ ‘absolutely furious,’ ‘incandescent with rage’ or somewhere in-between? It’s helpful to use language to notice and describe how we are feeling before the anger builds up to the point where we explode.
Think of anger management as being a bit like when you are trying to get your toddler out of nappies. You have to encourage them to become aware of the physical feelings that tell them they need their potty. It’s a bit hit and miss at first, and sometimes they don’t make it to the bathroom in time, but eventually, with practice and praise and lots of spare underwear, they learn.
So how is it that a young child can learn to control their bladder and their bowels but an adult can’t learn to control their temper? It’s hard to imagine any adult saying, ‘I just can’t control myself, I wee and pooh all over the place - I can’t change, that’s just the way I am.’
But people often say something similar about not being able to control their anger.
‘I’ve just got a terrible temper, I can’t control it. I scream and shout and then I feel better. I can’t help it, that’s just the way I am.’
We might be able to fool ourselves that blowing off steam does no harm, but what effect does a parent’s uncontrollable anger have on their child?
Seeing a parent out of control is very frightening and actually being on the receiving end of rage - whether it is verbal or physical is terrifying and traumatic. A child may become withdrawn or may copy the aggressive behaviour they see.
Children learn from what they see, so a child growing up in a house where parents shout and scream learns that shouting and screaming is the best the way to get what you want.
Children are less likely to talk to a parent about their problems if they think they will get an angry response.
Older children and teenagers might enjoy the power of being able to wind up a parent just to see them lose control.
A child who grows into an adult who screams and shouts will have more difficulty forming relationships, and may only feel comfortable with other people that scream and shout..
A parent losing their temper is modelling behaviour which is socially unacceptable.
The words “She made me angry’ or ‘I just lost my temper’ are heard in courtrooms hundreds of times a week to justify a glass in the face or a the boot in the ribs or worse.
Dealing with anger
Managing anger isn’t about about bottling your feelings up.
Think about when anger is most likely to happen (breakfast/school run/bedtime/ after a few drinks?) and plan avoiding action.
Notice that warning feeling in your stomach or your chest or wherever you feel it, and act on it before you explode.
Breathe.
Remove yourself for the situation if you can.
Think about what it is that you need to feel less angry.
Express your feelings and ask for what you need in a way that makes people listen to you. (That doesn’t mean shouting!)
(January 2009 Newsletter)
|
